Where’d you go?
I think deep down, everyone wants to be asked this question, or some iteration of it.
It is a question that implies that something was missed; I was missed; my absence left a void.
“Where’d you go?”
“We missed you there.”
“I’m glad you’re here.”
It is not a bad thing to desire, but it is a dangerous thing to desire without honest recognition. Recently I returned to creating content on TikTok and, honestly, no one missed me. Okay, maybe a few people wondered why I stopped so abruptly but, for the most part, people scrolled without deviation of behavior and without consideration of my absence.
No one was asking “where’d you go?”, and I am humbled by this because at times I make myself the center of the universe.
But. It is still nice to be missed.
To be fair, online presence is not a great barometer of life. Recently I caught up with a friend from college. I knew of the recent addition to his family and of the mission’s trip he went on thanks to Facebook, but I did not know of his heart and the life he has endured this past year, and he did not know of mine. Our conversation was life-giving as we intentionally engaged with each other and heard brief testimony of God’s goodness. It was a spontaneous expression of care to be asked for more than what is visible online.
We all, at some level, want to be seen and heard and cared for deeply. No one enjoys being forgotten.
And that is the observation, the reminder, that is on my heart: physical presence and actual relationships are worth missing, and online presence is not a sufficient replacement.
This idea is validated in the spontaneous phone call to catch up, the kind note expressing that you miss someone, the intentional effort to show up for someone and say “I see you”.
The same idea is validated in the lack of relationship and lack of presence.
It is one of the reasons that the holidays can be so full of joy and life, yet simultaneously so full of pain and grief: joy that we are together; grief that the relationship is not what I expected or hoped.
My absence from social media left a tiny void that was not expressly missed, but my absence from a family gathering? Hopefully that was missed. And if it wasn’t missed? That would be painful, has been painful. It is not just FOMO that drives my sadness some days; it is my disappointment that no one is wishing to have me present.
Getting asked that question, or not asked that question, is a piece of truth that hurts or heals. The kindness of being considered is present when someone says “hey, we missed having you there”. The painfulness of being forgotten is present when people choose not to prioritize relationship.
In the midst of this, I find peace and joy in the relationships with people who do prioritize our relationship. And it is my responsibility to reciprocate that, to care for them well: for my cousin who shows up anytime I need a hand, for my friend who always answers the phone, for the friend hundreds of miles away who would drop anything to support my family, for my wife and kids who always want me home. These people continue to ask “where’d you go?” and thus they deserve that same consideration, that same priority, a reciprocation of significance.
Dr. John Delony always says it, “behavior is a language”. That is why it is so painful at points. The behavior tells me the truth of the relationship, whether I want to acknowledge it or not.
There are plenty of people in your life that are telling you, “you matter.” Recognize them and prioritize them. Hear their voices and chase their hearts with vigor.
As you do, consider this: what is my behavior telling others? What are others telling me with their behavior?