It was a simple phrase that changed me in a lot of ways.
I grew up striving to meet, even exceed everyone’s expectations. I took things personal when I did not need to; I carried shame around failing and could not handle being wrong. It did not matter what that failure was a result of; I could not handle it.
I would always grasp at straws to appear to have the right answer, to look like I knew something, to look like I had it together. Internal stress would build and build until I was found out to be fraudulant or I exploded with emotion.
A simple phrase: control the controllables.
In counseling and psychology circles, they call this the “locus of control”.
In quippy quotes, they say “you can’t change the wind, but you can adjust your sails”.
There is a temptation to spend too much time and energy focused on things outside of our control.
We complain about a co-worker getting a promotion rather than evaluating our production.
Every married person knows they would have a great marriage if their spouse would just listen to them.
Your boss just does not understand the work that is on our plate and continues to pile it on.
And don’t get me started on the government and how the politicians are not helping me out.
I have a few theories on why this is a greater temptation for some more than others but, without going too much into it, I think pointing to things out of our control is easier than focusing on things in our control.
When we point to the things out of our control, we have no responsibilty to do anything. There is zero personal responsibility and thus zero fault when things go wrong. It also makes us feel better to complain about things, reinforcing a sense of connectedness with others and boosting our ego to some degree.
Unsurprisingly, focusing on things out of our control does nothing to better our situation.
On the other hand, actually focusing on things in our locus of control immediately puts a degree of personal responsibility into play. There is now an expectation that we take action, or we accept the consequence of no action.
It is wise to acknowledge the weather and the winds. It is responsible to adjust the sails.
Day to day, focus on controlling the controllables. Look at what’s going on in your house before you exhaust yourself complaining about the White House. Eat what’s on your plate before looking at your brother’s plate (an exact quote from me to my kids). Communicate directly more than you vent outwardly. Put your head down to do the work instead of lifting your eyes to compare.
Over a long period of faithfully controlling the controllables, the outcomes will be more palatable, likeable, enjoyable, desirable. You will still face weather that is not desirable; that is inevitable. On the other side of that weather, you will be able to look in the mirror with a sense of contentment and satisfaction knowing you did what you could.
A simple phrase from Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey about personal responsibility: “Persist, pivot, or concede. It’s up to us, our choice every time.”
Control the controllables.